Another year and a half has “slipped by”. I have another baby. So now we’re a family of four. With a baby and a toddler. I’m a mother of two. It’s mind-blowing and scary as fuck because I sometimes think to myself “what if I can’t handle it, what if I can’t cope”. But then I do (I’m actually rocking this stay-at-home-mum thing. Most of the time anyways.)
I get up every morning and make breakfast and play with my daughter and feed the baby and cook and clean and go to the park and watch too much TV and try to force some vegies into the picky toddler and clean again and feed the baby again (and again and again and again) and have a shower and then it’s night night for the toddler and I get a couple of hours to myself and I practice yoga sometimes, read inspirational books sometimes but most of the times I eat chocolate and fall asleep in front of a cheesy cop show on Netflix! Phew, and repeat.
I love it!
Had I imagined life like this when I was 21 and backpacking and getting drunk every night on a beach in Malaysia I would’ve felt sorry for myself. Such a sad, sad, boring life. But things change, people change, and I’ve clearly changed. For that I am grateful. Actually, I’m grateful for everything I have created in life so far. For all the experiences I’ve had. The places I’ve been and the people I’ve met and every single little thing that has brought me to where I am today.
So. Incredibly. Grateful.
If I could stop time and live in this little pocket of time forever I might (but then again, a full nights sleep probably wouldn’t kill me).
Anyhow, I can’t stop time, things are ever changing and I realize that sooner or later this crazy, repetitive, blissful time will come to an end, and then what?
What do I want to do with my life? When the kids go to school and it’s time for me to reenter the “real world”.
Well, I’d rather not. (For the first time I can understand why some women just want to stay at home and have more babies. They’re soo cute, it’s soo cozy!). I’d rather not have to leave the house everyday to go and do a job that I’m not passionate about. That used to be my “real world”. Working in hospitality, making money to pay the bills and buy wine and clothes from the second hand store and tickets, always saving for tickets to go somewhere! I can’t say I hated hospitality because a lot of the time I worked in nice places with great people. But I don’t miss it, and I don’t want to go back.
So I’ve done some soul-searching (and read every motivational self-help, self-development, find-yourself-and-your-purpose book there is) and I know now that I want to a) work from home and b) I want to write. I have actually known this for over a decade but I’ve been too scared to do anything about it. Well, that’s not even entirely true, I took time off and wrote a draft for a book that is still sitting unedited in a drawer (my daughter use the back of the pages to draw on). I just never finished it. Because lets face it, I’m terrified. Terrified that I will “fail”, that I’m not good enough, that no one would read what I write, that it’s pointless.
Well, yeah, so there you have it. And to be fair I’m probably not good enough . Yet! Because I keep giving up. I keep starting and stopping and it’s getting me to nowhere. But at the same time, it’s getting me to; here. Again. This blog. Because I am ready to start again! And this time, well, this time the intention is to keep going!